Miriam Lord’s week: Dáil return a damp squib as departure lounge fills with exiting TDs

The Dáil’s damp-squib return this week after the long summer recess was no surprise.
For starters, the streets around Leinster House were closed off to traffic and pedestrians for the two days scheduled to gently ease TDs back into parliamentary routine.
But even the protesters couldn’t be bothered turning out. An eerie silence hung in the air on Kildare Street and Merrion Street.
The complete lack of atmosphere was unsettling and everything a first day back should not be.
And then there was that unmistakable “departure lounge” ambience in the chamber and around the corridors. The most visible TDs seemed to be the ones who won’t be running again. They were certainly the most chilled.
“I feel like Tom Hanks,” chortled one, thinking of that Spielberg movie where Hanks plays a tourist from eastern Europe trapped indefinitely in JFK airport. “It’s like The Terminal in here.”
For them, Leinster House is now their Hotel California: they may have checked out but they still can’t leave.
And those deputies who aren’t in the Dáil departure lounge weren’t doing much to counteract the empty feeling either. They’re on the verge of nervous collapse over the approaching election.
The only thing that will put them – and everyone else – out of their misery is the naming of the date and the sound of the starting gun.
Happy roundy birthday to Paschal Donohoe.
The Minister for Public Expenditure, who looks about 12, is now 50 years old.
He was the victim of ambush by cake on Friday afternoon when the infant Taoiseach (37) produced a chocolate gateau after their working lunch in his office in Government Buildings.
Paschal was surprised and delighted.
There were five candles on the cake – in a considerate nod to poor Prudence, who won’t be getting much of a look-in in the forthcoming election budget, by all accounts.
There were suggestions that 13 billion candles on an apple-shaped tart might have been more appropriate but there were fears their beloved portrait of Michael Collins might perish in the conflagration.
The big half-century was officially on Thursday.
Paschal is celebrating with unfettered abandon. There were rip-roaring budget meetings on the day itself with Eamon Ryan, Stephen Donnelly, Catherine Martin and Roderic O’Gorman.
Followed by more expenditure-fuelled meetings with the Taoiseach and sundry Ministers on Friday and a monster all-day blowout at the Fine Gael Small Business Conference on Saturday.
He’s happy out.
Turkey, ham and Christmas pudding was on the lunchtime menu in the Dáil canteen when the troops returned on Tuesday.
It was an effort by the catering team to banish the back-to-work blues of the politicians and staff, but some TDs took fright when they saw the puddings. Did this mean the election was definitely before Christmas? Was the kitchen clearing the decks before the Yuletide season?
No such thing. The turkey and ham and all the trimmings will be back again on budget day, when stressed patrons may find themselves in need of more cheering up.
Meanwhile, an archway of greenway festooned with fairy lights across a cushioned bench has appeared at the entrance to the canteen.
“An Instagram arch,” apparently.
Anything to keep up flagging spirits in these febrile pre-election days.
Danny Healy-Rae had an interesting week.
He went to the National Ploughing Championships in Laois on Tuesday and was unable to leave for some time because he couldn’t find where he parked his car – a very common occurrence at this huge event.
And then he went to the Dáil in Dublin on Wednesday and was unable to get in without major difficulty because of all the road closures.
“It’s fairly hard for any deputy in here to get elected. For each deputy, ‘tis a difficult ordeal but, notwithstanding that, ‘tis fairly easy enough to come up from Kerry – all the road up there’s no restriction. But it’s getting increasingly more difficult to come into this building now,” he told the Ceann Comhairle, outlining how he tried to enter Leinster House from Molesworth street but was denied access by gardaí.
“I had to go around. I gave my identification. I’d say they knew me anyway but, I mean, ‘tis gone beyond now. There’s more barriers around this place and it’s harder to get in here and get out of it as well. I want some investigation into how a deputy could be stopped on his way coming into the Dáil, because it don’t seem right to me. We are elected to come in.”
He may have been the only TD to broach the matter, but there was much annoyance and frustration among members at the scale of the security operation. Isolated in a lifeless Leinster House, many felt that, even in their absence, the grifters and disrupters were winning.
It’s a tough situation for the authorities to control.
“There are security measures in place because of threatened protests outside. We did not want to see happening today what happened on our return last September,” the Ceann Comhairle explained, accepting that the situation is “problematic” for TDs and senators.
The first day back in September has proved an eventful time for Seán Ó Fearghaíl.
In 2020, he returned to the chair and issued an blistering statement on the raging “Golfgate” controversy.
Last year, Leinster House was besieged by an angry, incoherent mob.
And this week, the Ceann began the new term by conveying the “profound embarrassment” of all members of the Dáil over the bonkers bike shed of Leinster Lawn which cost €336,000.
Apropos the bike shed and other political developments over the holiday season.
We must thank Virgin Media for its nightly political discussion programme when the Dáil was in recess. Things still happen when Leinster House is closed for business – a fact which RTÉ, the national broadcaster, seems unable to grasp.
At least Ballymount kept the show on the road. Assembling a few talking heads, with news inserts from reporters when necessary, is cheap as chips television. But beyond the ken of the planners in Montrose.
Well done to Ciara Doherty and The Tonight Show – the big stories of the day don’t take a holiday just because the Dáil isn’t sitting.
Brat was the word of the summer. In fact, we had a Brat Summer.
Something to do with Charli XCX’s album Brat.
She tweeted that Kamala Harris is Brat, and it was the best endorsement ever for the Democratic Party’s nominee for US president until Taylor Swift and her cat Benjamin Button declared their support for Kamala this month on Instagram and this was the best endorsement ever, ever.
Darragh O’Brien is not Brat.
During questions on Thursday, the Minister for Housing had his usual snippy bout of exchanges with Sinn Féin’s accommodation guru, Eoin Ó Broin. Eoin and his colleagues were looking somewhat peaky in the Dáil on that day, following the latest result of the Irish Times/Ipsos opinion poll, which saw their party and party leader Mary Lou McDonald have dipped even further in the ratings.
As Ó Broin harried O’Brien over the tenant-in-situ purchase scheme, Darragh looked up innocently and murmured: “You’re in bad form today. I don’t know why.”
He’s a brat.
And it had been going so well for Sinn Féin at the ploughing, where Mary Lou and Northern Ireland First Minister Michelle O’Neill got a lovely reception.
Although the party leader got a grilling from journalists outside the Sinn Féin tent, which was emblazoned with slogans promoting its housing policy but no mention of farming.
Housing, she argued, was at the heart of issues facing rural communities. To drive home their message, a half-built little porch had been constructed at the entrance to the marquee.
“Huh,” sniffed a passing Blueshirt. “Sinn Féin at the ploughing. No roof on the house and they don’t own the land it’s built on either.”
It’s tough out there.
Senator John McGahon is so excited about contesting the general election he videoed himself getting photographed for his election literature and posted the result on Instagram.
The suited and booted Fine Gael candidate for Louth – he shares the party ticket with Cllr Paula Butterly – swivels this way and that for the camera, living his Dundalk version of Zoolander.
Or Lúlander, as they might call him in the Wee County.
Raring to go and delighted with himself, John has set his close-up to the haunting, symphonic sound of M83′s Outro – an evocative song you never knew you knew from numerous airings in movies, commercials and television shows.
The lyrics are perfect for an aspiring TD.
“I’m the king of my own land
Facing tempests of dust, I’ll fight until the end
Creatures of my dreams, raise up and dance with me
Now and forever
I’m your king.
Vote one and two in order of your preference.”
Or something like that.
Although given the recent Trump incidents, Senator McGahon’s pithy caption could have been better.
“With an election on the horizon, it’s headshot season!”
Senator Jerry Buttimer, former TD for Cork South Central, failed to get on the general election ticket in the constituency this time out. With Simon Coveney’s retirement, it promises to be a fascinating contest but the more high-profile Buttimer lost out to councillors Shane O’Callaghan and Una McCarthy.
All is not lost though for the cathaoirleach of the Seanad. He has another shot at glory later this month as one of the nominees for the Global Trailblazer award at this year’s International LGBTQ+ Leaders’ Conference in Washington DC.
The award celebrates the work of an LGBTQ+ leader outside the US, “someone who making waves and breaking barriers in the quest for equality worldwide”.
Jerry is up against congresswoman Susel Paredes from Peru, Symmy Larrat, the national secretary of LGBTQIA+ Persons Rights in Brazil and Zakhele Mbhele, a former member of the National Assembly of South Africa.
Voting closes on September 29th and the results will be announced at the conference in the Mayflower Hotel at the start of December.
Jerry is asking for votes. Here’s the link: https://secure.everyaction.com/FthIBJXgsECNu57zQcQTuQ2